牙膏之战：化干戈为玉帛

By Dara Dokas

My husband and I dated for six years before we got married. And wed known each other for four years before that. We went to premarriage counseling with my pastor1. We even took a test. It said we were compatible2.

So， after knowing each other for 10 years and taking steps to ascertain3 our marriage-readiness， one might assume there was nothing left to learn about one another.

But one would be wrong.

All was going smoothly in our new marriage. We shared the household chores， figured out money management， and agreed on religion. No problem. Then came the trouble with toothpaste.

Crest Tartar Control brought us to our knees and demanded to know what we were made of.4 You see， my husband likes to carefully fold and roll the toothpaste tube. I like to grab it in the middle and squeeze. I might call his folding a bit obsessive5. He might consider my squeezing careless and rude. This difference in style may seem benign6， but it caused the first trouble in our newly formed marriage.

At first it was a little joke. Id squeeze. Hed roll. Ha， ha. Id squeeze again. Hed roll again. Irritating7. Id squeeze even when I wasnt brushing my teeth. Hed sneak8 back in to roll， roll， roll.

After sneaking and squeezing， tip-toeing9 and rolling for two weeks， it was inevitable that we finally met face to face in our tiny pink bathroom with our hands on the toothpaste. We actually yelled at each other. I may have even cried. Why was he so obsessive？ Why was I so vindictive10？ Why couldnt he loosen up？ Why couldnt I get it together？ Were we still talking about the toothpaste？

The toothpaste had become more than something to brush our teeth with； it had become a stand-in11 for aspects of our individual personalities that we did not always care to reveal. Maybe I was being a little vindictive. Maybe he was being a bit obsessive. Maybe it really didnt matter how we dealt with the toothpaste. But maybe it did.

Thankfully， we thought of a solution. And it was simple but significant： We bought two tubes of toothpaste—one for me to squeeze and one for him to roll. And that made all the difference. Keeping the small things small conserves12 your energy for the bigger things later on.

And there are always bigger things. Like loading the dishwasher13： My husband has a particular way of loading the dishwasher and it differs from my way.

But it matters more to him， so I let him load the dishwasher. The same goes with doing the laundry. I like the clothes folded a certain way， so I fold the clothes and put them away. Why focus on the differences that could separate us？ Instead， I think its better to split the duties， or buy two tubes of toothpaste， and live in relative harmony.

So， how do you measure compatibility in marriage？ By how well you share a tube of toothpaste？ How completely you agree on how to load the dishwasher？ Or can it be measured by how you and your partner respect and handle your differences？ I would argue the latter.

Now， 22 years later， the trouble with toothpaste is over. We still have our own tubes. Our daughter has her own， too. But every so often， when one tube runs out， we sometimes forget to rush to the store to get another. Instead， we share the toothpaste for a while. Sometimes I squeeze it， but mostly I roll. I admit it does keep the tube neater. And every so often I catch my husband squeezing （just a little） when he thinks Im just brushing my hair.

1. pastor： 牧師。

2. compatible： 能和睦相处的，合得来的。

3. ascertain： 确定，查明。

4. 佳洁士防牙石牙膏把我们的关系破坏了，让我们思考我们到底是怎样的人。tartar：牙石，牙垢；bring sb. to ones knees： 使某人屈服。

5. obsessive：（在兴趣、关心、迫切性等方面）过分（到不正常程度）的。

6. benign： 温和的。

7. irritating： 使人不愉快的，恼人的。

8. sneak： 偷偷地走，溜。

9. tip-toe： 蹑手蹑脚地走。

10. vindictive： 想复仇的，报复性的。

11. stand-in： 替代品。

12. conserve： 保存。

13. dishwasher： 洗碗机。