Why Ending a Friendship Can Be Worse than a Breakup断绝友情为何比分手更糟心？

卡莉·布雷

There is no shortage of songs， movies and television shows depicting the difficulties of breakups with a romantic partner. But when it comes to navigating the end of friendships， it can feel like we’re on our own.

We learn how to make friends， how to share and how to cope with bullies when we’re young， says Miriam Kirmayer， a clinical therapist who specializes in young adult and adult friendships. As a 2017 study published in Personal Relationships1 noted， friendships become increasingly important as we age. Friendships can be an even stronger predictor of well-being than familial relationships as we get older， the study showed.

If friendships are so vital， why don’t we talk about what to do when they end？

The ups， downs， and—when necessary—ends of friendships， can be just as difficult to handle as those in romantic relationships—if not more， Kirmayer says.

Here’s why friendship breakups can feel worse than breakups with significant others.

We don’t know what to say

“We tend to think about breakups in friendships as happening because of some kind of big betrayal，” Kirmayer says. In those situations， it’s easy to pinpoint the reason the friendship ended， and communicate it to the other person.

But more often than not， she says， friendship breakups are the result of people gradually growing apart， which means there isn’t a standard conversation that ensues. The relationship may need to come to end because of factors outside of the friendship—like distance or differences in lifestyle—or because one or both friends have strained the bond by mistreating the other.

Whatever the reason is for the dissolution of a friendship， the common thread is that we often don’t know if we should have a conversation with that friend， says Kirmayer. And if we do decide to address it， it’s hard to know what to say.

“This can create situations where we can end up feeling hurt，” she says. “Whether it’s handled inappropriately or simply because it’s unexpected， we really don’t know what [friendship breakups] should look like.”

In romantic relationships， there’s often a conversation that signals the official breakup， which， while painful， leads to a sense of closure. But we don’t have a model for this kind of conversation at the end of friendships.

We feel ashamed that we couldn’t make it work

Since friendship breakups aren’t discussed nearly as often as romantic ones， Kirmayer says that people in friendship breakups can feel like they’re the only ones struggling to make their friendships work. Rather than seeking support and advice from other friends， people are more likely to keep it to themselves. This can make them feel even more isolated， she says.

There is also a common expectation that not every romantic relationship will last forever， and Kirmayer says we need to expect the same of friendships in order to normalize the experience. The end of a friendship doesn’t mean one or both friends are bad people or bad friends， she says; it simply means the relationship wasn’t working.

We have mismatched expectations with our friends

There’s a key difference between friendships and romantic relationships that can make friendship breakups worse， says Marni Feuerman， a psychotherapist in Florida. “The expectations are different in a romantic relationship，” she says. “People declare themselves ‘a couple，’ or the relationship is very defined： we’re dating， we’re engaged， we’re married.” There may even be a legal document or ceremony that spells out what the relationship means.

Conversely， that’s not the case in friendships. Because it is harder to define expectations in platonic relationships， friends are more likely to be on two different pages， which in turn can contribute to a separation—and make it more difficult to process post-breakup， according to Feuerman. We don’t communicate our expectations during the friendship， she says， because “we don’t want to express our needs and have them rejected.”

Instead， a friend who doesn’t feel like his or her needs are being met might stay silent. That person may realize the friendship isn’t working and is more inclined to allow it to end naturally， according to Feuerman. And that lack of communication can hurt the other friend just as much， as they’re left wondering what they did wrong.

We don’t know the terms of the breakup

After the end of a romantic relationship， it’s standard for exes to discuss the parameters of their breakup. They usually decide if they’ll remain friends， completely cut ties or respectfully smile and talk if they see each other in social situations， according to Feuerman. That type of conversation is a lot less likely to occur after a friendship breakup.

What may follow are awkward encounters at best， and at worst， unnecessary pain for a friend experiencing radio silence with no explanation， according to Feuerman.

The grief process is unexpected

Since friendship breakups are less spoken about and at times， more unexpected， we aren’t always prepared for the despair that follows.

“You’ll actually go through a bit of a grief process with it， and that’s okay，” she says. “If you feel like you can’t change the toxic friendship situation， it’s okay to mourn it， move on and find relationships that are much more satisfying.”

After a friendship breakup， it’s common to feel anger， sadness， loneliness and anxiety about seeing the person and fearful of mutual friends picking sides， Kirmayer says. Understanding that all of these feelings are normal will help you start moving forward.

What it all comes down to is cutting yourself some slack. “Recognize the language you’re using when you’re talking about yourself， instead of jumping to labels like calling yourself a bad friend，” Kirmayer says. “Speak to yourself the way you would a good friend.”

有不少歌曲和影视剧描述恋爱分手的艰难，但提到结束一段友情，可能就感觉毫无可资借鉴的了。

专攻青年和成人友谊情感研究的临床心理治疗师米丽亚姆·基尔迈尔说，我们小时候就学习如何交朋友、如何分享、如何应对霸凌。《个人关系期刊》2017年发表的一份研究报告指出，伴随年龄增长，友情的重要性与日俱增。该项研究表明，随着年岁增长，友情可能比亲情更能显现一个人未来是否幸福。

既然友情如此重要，我们不妨探讨下友情结束时该怎么办。

基尔迈尔说，面对一段关系的起起伏伏及必要时的终结，友情和爱情一样难以处理，且只难不易。

下面就来谈谈为何朋友断交会让人感觉比恋人分手更糟糕。

我们不知道该说什么

“我们习惯认为友情之所以破裂是由于某种重大背叛。” 基尔迈尔说。在那些情形下，很容易就能找准友尽的原因并传达给对方。

但她说，更为常见的情况是，友情破裂是因为人与人之间逐渐产生了隔阂，这意味着没有后续的常规对话。导致友情结束的可能是情感之外的某些因素——例如距离或生活方式的差异——又或者是一方或双方的不友好行为而造成关系紧张。

基尔迈尔说，无论友情瓦解的原因是什么，共同点是我们常常不知道是否应该跟那位朋友谈一谈。即便决定要就此谈谈，也不知道该说些什么。

“这可能导致一些让我们最终会感到受伤的情况出现。”她说，“无论是处理不当，还是仅仅因为意料之外，我们都真的不知道（友情破裂）该怎么办。”

结束恋爱关系时，常常会有一次谈话表明正式分手，虽然令人痛苦，但会有一种完结感。在友情结束时则没有类似的对话模式。

我们羞于做友情的败者

基尔迈尔说，友情破裂不像恋爱分手那样经常引发讨论，所以人们在失去朋友时会感到只有自己一個人在努力维护这段友情。相比向其他朋友寻求帮助或建议，人们更可能选择关闭心扉。她说，这会令他们感到更加孤独。

人们一般也都明白，不是每段恋情都能天长地久。基尔迈尔说，我们要用同样的心态看待友情，使这段经历正常化。她说，一段友情的结束并不意味着这段关系中的某一方或双方是坏人或损友，而仅仅表明两人不再适合做对方的朋友。

我们对朋友产生错位的期望

佛罗里达心理治疗师玛妮·富尔曼说，友情与恋情之间有一个重要的不同点，正是这一点可能让友情破裂更糟糕。 “恋爱关系中人们的期望不同。”她说，“人们会宣称他们是‘一对儿’，或者关系非常明确——我们在恋爱，我们订婚了，我们结婚了。”人们甚至可以通过法律文件或仪式来清楚表明这段关系意味着什么。

相反，朋友关系则不是这样。根据富尔曼的说法，因为柏拉图式关系中的期望更难定义，所以朋友之间更可能产生观念分歧，这又导致隔阂，并使处理分手后的关系更加困难。她说，做朋友时我们并不交流彼此的期望，因为“我们不想自己表达需求后遭到拒绝”。

往往，感到自己的需求没有得到满足的一方可能会保持沉默。富尔曼认为，这一方或许会意识到这份友情不合适，更倾向于让其自然终结。而缺乏交流则会让另一方感到同样受伤，在想自己是否做错了什么。

我们不知道友尽协议

对于已经分手的恋人们来说，结束恋爱关系时讨论分手后的相处界限是很常规的做法。通常会决定是维持普通朋友关系、完全不联系，还是在社交场合碰面时礼貌地微笑和寒暄。朋友断交后，进行这类谈话的可能性低得多。

富尔曼说，接下来面临的较好情况可能是尴尬的会面，最糟糕的是在没给任何解释的情况下让朋友毫无必要地遭受失联的痛苦。

疗伤过程难以预料

我们很少谈论友情破裂的问题，它的发生也时常难以预料，因此对于随之而来的绝望感我们总是毫无准备。

“你其实会经历一个疗伤的过程，没关系的。”她说，“如果感觉无法改变这段有害的友情，完全可以就此告别，然后向前看，去寻找更加满意的友情。”

基尔迈尔说，跟朋友断交后，往往看到对方会感到生气、悲伤、孤独和焦虑，也害怕共同的好友去站队。所有这些情绪都很正常，明白这一点有助你开始新生活。

归根结底就是要放自己一马。“自我评价时要认可自己而不是直接给自己打上损友的标签。”基尔迈尔说，“要像对好朋友说话那样安慰自己。”

（译者为“《英语世界》杯”翻译大赛获奖选手）