靓丽语言，体现细节魅力

彭文国

【问题导读】

读后续写的根本是讲述故事。故事的讲述需要设定主题，需要有好的情节来表达主题。而要有效地传达主旨，完美地表达情节，最终还是要落实语言的运用。没有贴切的、富有情感的语言，就不能有效地表达情节。从中国学生的英语学习情况来看，读懂原文并根据作者的主题思想设置情节都没有很大的问题。我们最大的问题在于词汇量匮乏，不能很好地表达自己的思想。那么，什么样的语言是有效的语言呢？我们如何才能掌握有效的语言呢？

【名师导学】

1. 续写的用词要和原文保持一致，包括词汇的风格、色彩、语气、结构等。因此，我们在续写时要对原文有深刻的理解和感受。高考试题的原文大都来自外刊，但是都经过特别的改编，适用于中国的高中生。具体来说，其用词一般都是在3，500个单词之内。因此，我们续写的用词都要在这个范围之内。不过分追求“高大上”的生涩单词，以免和原文脱节。

因此，在平时的学习和练习中，我们对原文要特别重视。在动手续写之前，我们要对原文的用词有深刻的理解。最好对原文的用词进行归纳汇总，如，心理描写、动作描写等。这样我们就会对原文有更清晰的认识。

2. 积累丰富的词汇素材。只有掌握了丰富的词汇，我们才能在写作中游刃有余，才能充分表达原文中作者设定的思想情感和主旨。语言是很感性的，读的文章多了，我们就自然会产生“书卷气”，就有了表达的自信。

我们也可以主动地去系统性地形成自己的词汇库。我们可以有意识地去建立一个比较清晰的词汇网络。如，描述心理的词汇，包括开心、生气、激动、紧张等情绪的表达。再如，表示动作的词汇，包括各种各样的说、各种各样的走、各种各样的看，等等。有了丰富的词汇积累，我们在表达时就会更从容，表达也会更贴切。

3. 写作用词要恰当、顺畅、达义。不要刻意追求用词的“生冷”，更不要根据某部词典的汉语释义而轻易地用词。我们的用词要符合语境，符合原文用词的色彩。

【案例导引】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

A couple of months before I started high school， my parents gave me the greatest gift any teenage boy could ask for： a cellphone. I lived on that cellphone all summer with my face buried in its screen. I texted every friend who was lucky enough to have a cellphone. I ignored my family and my surroundings. Being connected was more important than being present.

So you can imagine my displeasure when I learned what my dad had planned for our family vacation that year. “This year，” my dad said， “well be doing something special. Were going camping！” His excitement met with a disappointed sigh. It wasnt my dream vacation， and I remained unbothered throughout the packing and planning. My mind was on my cellphone. I was so buried in the screen， in fact， that the first time I could remember truly looking up was when we drove across a bridge on the way to our campsite.

I stared out the window and saw redwoods towering above us， their branches threatening to pierce （刺破） the blue sky. I saw a roaring river， with slivers of silky black water appearing between crashing white rapids. The air blowing into the car from the open windows was hot and smell?ed of pine. But none of that mattered to me. The reason why I had looked up was for something far more serious： my cellphone no longer had service.

The last hour of the drive was increasingly tense. My dad announced that he had chosen a campsite that had no cellphone service， and that my cellphone would be useless until we returned home. I would be trapped in the forest for four days with no way to contact the outside world！ I went through the full cycle of teenage emotions during the first day of the trip. I raged （发怒）. I bargained. I begged. I flip?flopped （转变） from a depressive state to anger.

I went to bed angrily that night. But when I awoke in the morning， something had changed.

注意：

1. 所续写短文的词数应为150左右;

2. 续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。

Paragraph 1：

Instead of burying myself in my cellphone， I focused on something else： my surroundings.

Paragraph 2：

The following days passed in a flash with many fun activities.

一、原文故事的基本要素

[基本要素][who] [my father， I] [when] [during a camp vacation][what] [I was addicted to my cellphone and ignored my family and surroundings.]

二、原文故事的情节发展

[1. My parents bought me a cellphone just before my high school.] [2. I quickly got addicted to the cellphone and forgot everything around me.] [3. My father announced that our family would go out camping during the vacation.] [4. I was really disappointed at the plan because I just wanted to stay with the cellphone.] [5. During the journey I just focused on my cellphone except the short moment when my cellphone was out of service.] [6. I was even angry when I knew we would stay in a campsite that had no cellphone service.] [情節发展]

三、原文故事中的巧妙用词

1. I lived on that cellphone all summer with my face buried in its screen. 此处用了动词词组lived on和介词词组with my face buried in its screen。文章在此处主要是为了表达“我”对手机的沉迷。而lived on和buried in非常贴切地表现了“我”沉迷于手机的情景。

2. Being connected was more important than being present. 此句意为“（在手机上的）联系远比在场（的人或环境）重要得多”。这里用动名词作主语和介词宾语，形象地表现了当时作者沉迷于手机的状况。

3. His excitement met with a disappointed sigh. 本句用了两个名词，对比了“我”和父亲的两种态度：父亲是excitement，而“我”是disappointed sigh。

4. But none of that mattered to me. 此句意为“但是这一切都与我无关”。本句用了matter，非常形象地表现了作者当时对窗外景色的漠视，仍然沉迷于手机的状态。

四、续写故事的设计与语言运用

续写第一段的段首句是“Instead of burying myself in my cellphone， I focused on something else： my surroundings.”。根据段首句的提示，本段要重点描述“我”看到的周围环境的情况。对我们而言，理解故事情节不是很难，最重要的是要用合适的、精巧的语言描写环境。选择的词汇要既能展示环境的优美，又能表现“我”发现了周围环境的美之后的心境变化。此处可以有对自然环境和声音的描述，可以有对动植物的描述，同时要体现“我”的心情的变化。

在自然环境方面，我们可以用the sweet air、the pure sky、the charming valley、the murmuring of running water、the beautiful sound of the wilderness、the birds and bugs creating a magic world、both loud and peaceful等。这些词看上去很常见，但是充分表现了自然之美，可以很好地展示自然的力量，为“我”的心情的转变做好铺垫。而在心情的变化上，我们也要注意用词的递进，确切地表达“我”的心情的变化，如anger、peace、interest、enjoy、excitement、full satisfaction.

续写第二段的段首句是“The following days passed in a flash with many fun activities.”。续写第一段主要是对静态的自然之美的描述。而根据续写第二段的段首句可知，本段主要描述的是人物的动态活动。我们可以在续写第一段对静态美的描述的基础上，在“我”的心态发生了变化的前提下，进行动态的描述。动作用词可以有hike、swim、fish等。同时可以有对具体的细节活动的描述，如climb the mountain with a light heart、 watch the birds with a peaceful mind、start a fire、cook delicious and special meals、 laugh happily、share stories、watch stars、observe flowers and butterflies等。这一切都为最后成功地表达“我”深深地感受到了这次野营的美好做好了准备。

【范文欣赏】

Paragraph 1：

Instead of burying myself in my cellphone， I focused on something else： my surroundings. I heard the beautiful sound of the wilderness. I heard the birds and bugs creating a magic world that was both loud and peaceful at the same time. My anger gradually turned to peace， then little interest and， finally， excitement. Standing on the high campsite， I felt the weight of stress melt from my shoulders as I viewed the vast land that unfolded below me. The beautiful and touching sight that met my startled eyes nearly took my breath away. For the first time， I thought camping in a place that had no cellphone service might not be so bad but a really enjoyable experience.

Paragraph 2：

The following days passed in a flash with many fun activities. I entirely forgot about the cellphone， totally occupied myself with hiking， swimming and fishing， all the wonderful things that I had never thought of before. My dad and I learned how to start a fire together after several false starts. We cooked together and I ate the sweetest marshmallows I had ever tasted. Dad told me stories of his life， stories I had never heard or perhaps I hadnt been listening. When the weekend came to an end， I realized I hadnt thought of my cellphone once. I hadnt felt the need to be connected to anywhere else. It dawned on me that what mattered most was the time I was sharing with just my father and nature.

【模擬导练】

阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。

“OK， everybody. Its that time of year，” said my science teacher， Mr Beal. “This Friday well have the annual Egg Drop Challenge. Bring your best containers to class. You can work alone or work together.”

Mr Beals fifth?grade Egg Drop Challenge was an institution at my school. The goal of the Challenge was simple—you had to build a protective container to keep an egg from breaking when dropping onto the stadium ground.

My best friend， Cassie， and I grinned at each other. We always worked on pro?jects together. Shes brainy; Im creative. Were the perfect combination， like peanut butter and marshmallow cream， which happens to be my favorite kind of sandwiches.

I made my favorite sandwich that afternoon while waiting for Cassie to come over and work on the container. Spreading the fluffy marshmallow cream gave me an idea.

“I have a brilliant design for our egg container！” I said when Cassie arrived. She looked at me eagerly. “We can cushion it with some marshmallow cream. You know， to absorb the shock of the impact，” I explained. “Youve got to be kidding， Laura，” Cassie exclaimed. “You have a better idea？” I said. Cassie pointed to a sketch in her notebook. “Actually， I do. We put the egg in a basket with a parachute attached. It will simply float to safety.” “Its too easy for something to go wrong. It will never work！” I said. Cassie rolled her eyes， “The parachute is better than that stupid idea.”

I couldnt believe it. Of course， wed had our little fights in the past， but this was different. Shed never called any of my ideas “stupid” before. “Then Ill build mine and you build yours， and well just see whose is better.” “Fine！” Cassie threw her notebook into her backpack and stor?med out. And just like that， our friendship was broken. Like an egg dropped from the top of a stadium without marshmallow cream to protect it.

注意：

1. 所续写短文的词数应为150左右;

2. 续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。

Paragraph 1：

When Friday finally came， I had to admit that Cassies Egg Force One looked pretty good.

Paragraph 2：

By the fourth round， only Cassie and I were left.

【評价导思】

1. 请归纳总结本文中使用的有关心理描写的词汇。

2. 文章中使用了哪些动作描写的精彩词汇？

3. 对比你的文章和范文，你有哪些词汇方面的收获？