My valuable cup

2015-10-21 19:41谭张艺
第二课堂(课外活动版) 2015年3期
关键词:详细描述逻辑性点题

谭张艺

I like drinking tea when I am studying, so a tea cup is necessary for me. My cup was made in Liling. It was polished and painted with beautiful color.

Its used for showing the art of tea, and also drinking water in our daily lives. When I worked for a long time or felt worried, drinking some tea could make me relaxed. When I want to give up working hard in Grade Nine, It will remind me of my parents. They care about me and always stand by me. The cup is the best thing that can show their deep love for me. When I see the cup bought carefully by my father, I encourage myself, “You can do it, take I easy .”

Tea is important in my daily lives, and the tea cup is the most important thing in my life.

陳艳老师点评:这是一篇考试作文,小作者语言运用能力不错,能娴熟地运用新近所学语言,如be polished, remind sb. of sth. , stand by sb. , show ones deep love等短语,使得文章增色不少。另外,从文章结构来看,开头直接引出话题,中间进行详细描述,结尾部分既与开头呼应又再次点题,是一篇不错的文章!但细看之下,本文还可以更加优化,使得文章逻辑性更强,语言运用更加老到。比较一下修改后的范文:

范文:

I like drinking tea while I am studying, so a tea cup is necessary for me. I have a valuable cup made in Liling, which is a gift from my father. It is polished and painted with beautiful colors.

I use it for showing tea art, and drinking water in my daily life. Whenever I work for a long time and feel tired, drinking some tea can make me relaxed. Whenever I am in trouble, it will remind me of my parents, as if saying, “Take it easy, and you can make it.” The tea cup is the most important thing in my life.

猜你喜欢
详细描述逻辑性点题
热河生物群发现帆翼龙科新成员
科技书稿的逻辑性审查方法归纳
逻辑性
镜子中的我
浅谈数学课堂教学中的小学生个性化学习
咬定青山不放松——谈高中议论文点题策略
例说物理教学语言的科学性和逻辑性
基于Ajax实现带有预输入处理的Web应用
中考作文点题技巧“一点通”