Sorry, Mum,I Was

绘◎汀 屿

Sorry, Mum,

I have been sick with leukemia.

It is said that you will be happier if you try harder. When I was admitted to graduate school, I also believed that I would make you get closer to happiness. However,it turned out that my efforts only brought suffering and despair to our home.

In these three years, without your relief and insistence①insistence 英 [ɪn'sɪst(ə)ns]n. 坚持，强调；坚决主张, I would have already bid farewell to the world.

Today, I feel that I owe you and the whole family an explanation.

At the beginning of illness,my eldest brother said that he must save me. He took out all the savings without hesitation②hesitation英 [hezɪ'teɪʃn]美 [,hɛzə'teʃən] n. 犹豫and was burdened with huge debts. He gave me his bone marrow and did the transplant.

The seven-year-old niece cried and said she would never eat snacks anymore because she wanted to spend that money on her uncle's treatment.

Brothers and sisters-in-law worried that you couldn't take care of me; so they quit their jobs and concentrated on caring for me until I left the hospital.

I owe you a debt of gratitude which I shall never be able to repay.

From chemotherapy to transplantation, then to infection and rejection, we have been walking on eggshells for almost three years.Despite all your efforts, I am still hovering between life and death.

My illness not only let the whole family spend all their money and be deeply in debt, but also made our spirits walk on the edge of despair and breakdowns. We were all exhausted③exhausted英 [ɪg'zɔːstɪd]美 [ɪg'zɔstɪd]adj. 疲惫的；耗尽的v. 耗尽；用尽；使……精疲力竭（exhaust的过去式）. Especially in the last six months, I experienced several emergency times. Each time I felt so tired that I wanted to give up to free me from the disease.

Once when I fainted, I really felt very comfortable. It was a kind of feeling that I never experienced. But suddenly, I realized that the feeling will bring you eternal pain. I can calmly accept all the pain and even death caused by the disease.But I could hardly dare to see your helpless and dull eyes after weeping bitterly.

During these three years of illness, you looked after me very carefully. What you endured had been far beyond the limits of ordinary people. but you never complained.

At my dying bed, when I was in despair, you simply held my hand. Crying and trembling,you still could not bear to say the words like "Take me home",instead you asked bitterly, "Is there anyone you want to see?"

My life is still a struggle even though you've used up all your strength. You have worked half of your life, getting streams of desperation in return. You refuse to yield, yet you have no choice.

You always say that as long as I am alive, nothing else matters.

As long as we work hard,we will have what we want in the future.

I feel so proud whenever I think of these words. This is you,who make me have no way to give up myself.

Mum, can I make a promise with you?

No home could ever be established without a mother.Take good care of yourself for our home.

As for me, I will try harder.But I will not complain or regret about anything, so don't blame yourself. Every life has its own destiny, and each destiny runs its own course. If one day things can't be undone, I hope you could understand that this is only a law of nature.

Wipe away your tears and remember our past with a smile.

For me, it would just be another way to stay right here with you.

Thank you for never leaving or forsaking.

Love eternally,

Your unfi lial son