PersuasiveLetter

俞江涛

假设你是李华，你的朋友李明给你来信说他最近喜欢玩手机，无论什么时候都离不开手机。他问你是不是也这样。请你用英语给他写一封回信，说说玩手机的弊端，说服他少玩手机。

注意：1.词数100左右；2. 可适当增加细节，以使行文连贯。

Dear Li Ming，

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. ________________________________________

_____________________________________________.

Yours，

Li Hua

[习作1]

Dear Li Ming，

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. You say you like playing cellphones. You cant leave it any time. I tell you that once I was like you.Later on I realized it was wrong and gave up the bad habit. I advise you to give up playing cell phones any more. Playing too much is a waste of time. You will have no time to do your homework or have a rest. It has a bad effect on your achievements. It also does harm to your health. You may succeed if you concentrate on studies. Playing with phones too much makes your eyesight poorer and makes your grades lower.

Yours，

Li Hua

点评

这篇作文有四个要点：你的朋友李明给你来信说他最近喜欢玩手机，无论什么时候都离不开手机；他问你是不是也这样；请你用英语给他写一封回信，说说玩手机的弊端；说服他少玩手机。这篇习作把四个要点写全了。

但这篇习作有诸多问题：

1.整篇习作都没有分段。分段能保证文章有层次，也能缓解阅卷老师的阅读疲劳。

2.语言简单重复，意思表达单调。词汇运用低级，句式结构单一。

3.句子与句子之间没有过渡词。阅卷老师喜欢看到结构完整、逻辑清晰的作文。逻辑关系怎么体现？靠的就是过渡词。阅卷时间非常紧张，老师没有时间去研究你的句子之间的逻辑关系。你必须把逻辑关系外显出来，让老师不用思考，一眼就能看明白。

改进建议

1. 划分段落：把第一、二个要点作为一段，第三个要点作为一段，第四个要点作为一段。

2. 把You say换成In your letter， I learn that ...，句子的语气很重要。

第三句话可改成What I want to tell youis that there was a time when I liked it no less than you. （主語从句，表语从句加上定语从句和比较级）

第四句话改成Not until I fell far behind， did I realize that it was playing with phones that was to blame for my failure. （倒装句和强调句型）

要恰如其分地把自己学到的词汇、语法知识、句型展现给阅卷老师。

3. 说服过程如果分两点拓展，可用For one thing ... For another ...这样的结构，或者On （the） one hand ... On the other hand ...。如分三点拓展，可用First and foremost ... Additionally ... Last but not least ...这种结构。

[习作2]

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. In your letter， I learn that so addicted to playing cellphones are you that you cant go without it， no matter when and where you are. You asked if I was like you. What I want to tell you is that there was a time when I liked it like you. Not until I fell far behind， did I realize that it was playing with phones that was to be blamed for my failure.

Based on your situation， I sincerely give you my suggestion that youd better rid yourself of the habit of playing with phones too much. First and furthermore， with too much time devoted to phones， there is no doubt that you will have not enough time to study， let alone have a good rest. Additionally， not only are your academic performances affected， but also it poses a threat to your health. Only when you put your whole heart into your study， can you multiply the possible of being admitted into a key university. Last but not least， spending a long time staring at the screen contributes to eyesight fading and grades slipping.

Hopefully， I wish you can take my advice into consideration. Looking forward to your early reply！

Yours，

Li Hua

点评

1. 要点齐全，分段合理，过渡词的运用恰如其分，显得文章思路清晰，层次分明。

2. 运用了多种高级句式（如倒装句、强调句型、主语从句、表语从句、定语从句、非谓语、同位语从句、虚拟语气、with的复合结构），not only ... but also ...，sb. be to blame，rid ... of等短语的运用也向阅卷老师展示了强大的英语功底。

3. 有少许语法错误和表达不当。

改进建议

1. 斜体字部分有中式英语表达You asked if I was like you，而且时态前后不一致，建议改成You wonder whether it is the same case with me。

I liked it like you改成when I liked it no less than you，因为用比较级表达更显功底。

2. that was to be blamed for说明这位同学对词汇用法掌握不精准，应改成that was to blame for。

possible词性运用错误，此处应用它的名词形式possibility。

3. I wish you can语法错误，此处应用虚拟语气，改为I wish you could。

范文

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. In your letter， I learn that So addicted to playing cellphones are you that you cant go without it（so ... that ... 倒装句）， no matter when and where you are（让步状语从句）， about which you feel upset. You wonder whether it is the same case with me. What I want to tell you is that there was a time when I liked it no less than you（主语、表语、定语从句，比较级）. Not until I fell far behind， did I realize that it was playing with phones that was to blame for my failure（not until引导的倒装句，强调句）.

Based on your situation， I sincerely give you my suggestion that youd better rid yourself of the habit of playing with phones too much（分词作状语，同位语从句、rid ... of短语）. First and furthermore， With too much time devoted to phones（with复合结构）， there is no doubt that you will have not enough time to study， let alone have a good rest. Additionally， not only are your academic performances affected， but also it poses a threat to your health. （not only ... but also ... 倒装句）only when you put your whole heart into your study， can you multiply the chance/possible of being admitted into a key university（only接狀语从句引起的倒装）. Last but not least， Spending a long time staring at the screen contributes to eyesight fading as well as grades slipping.

Hopefully， I wish you could take my advice into consideration. Looking forward to your early reply！

Yours，

Li Hua