莉迪娅·戴维斯作品

◎董继平 译

我感到的事情

这些天，我试图告诉自己我感到的事情并不很重要。如今，我在几本书里读到了这一点：我感到的事情重要，但并不是一切事物的中心。也许我相信这样的说法，却不足以照此行事。我愿意更深地相信这一点。

那会让人多么宽慰。我不必一直考虑我感到的事情，而且尝试用它所有的困难和它所有的结果来控制它。我不必一直尝试感到好一些。实际上，如果我不相信我感到的事情如此重要，我甚至就可能不会感觉到如此糟糕，而且感到好一些就不会如此艰难了。我不必说，哦，就像我快不行了，我感到多么不舒服，深夜在这黑漆漆的客厅里，外面的街灯幽幽地照着黑漆漆的街道，我多么孤独，房子里的每个人都睡着了，到处都找不到安慰，只有我孤零零地在这下面，我永远不会让自己平静下来，足以入睡，从来不会入睡，从来不能持续到第二天，我不可能持续下去，我甚至无法再生活一分钟。

如果我不相信我感到的事情是一切事物的中心，那么它就不会成为一切事物的中心，却仅仅成为位于侧边的事物，很多东西当中的一件，我就能看见和注意到那些同等重要的其他东西，这样的话，我就有了某种宽慰。

但奇怪的是，你怎能相信一种想法绝对真实而正确，却并不深信它，深信得足以照此行事。因此，我依然像我的感觉是一切事物的中心那样来行事，我的感觉依然引起我到头来独处于深夜的客厅窗户旁边。现在不同的是我有了这一想法：我有了我即将就不再相信我的感觉是一切事物的中心的想法。对于我，这是一种安慰，因为，要是你对继续下去感到绝望，但同时又告诉自己你感到的事情不会很重要，那么你就既不再可能对继续下去感到绝望，又依然可能对继续下去感到绝望，但再也不会完全相信了。

WHAT I FEEL

These days I try to tell myself that what I feel is not very important.I' ve read this in several books now: that what I feel is important but not the center of everything.Maybe I do believe this，but not enough to act on it.I would like to believe it more deeply.

What a relief that would be.I wouldn't have to think about what I felt all the time，and try to control it，with all its complications and all its consequences.I wouldn't have to try to feel better all the time.In fact，if I didn't believe what I felt was so important，I probably wouldn' t even feel so bad，and it wouldn't be so hard to feel better.I wouldn't have to say，Oh I feel so awful，this is like the end for me here，in this dark living-room late at night，with the dark street outside under the streetlamps，I am so very alone，everyone else in the house asleep，there is no comfort anywhere，just me alone down here，I will never calm myself enough to sleep，never sleep，never be able to go on to the next day，I can't possibly go on，I can't live，even through the next minute.

If I didn't believe what I felt was the center of everything，then it wouldn't be the center of everything，but just something off to the side，one of many things，and I would be able to see and pay attention to those other things that are equally important，and in this way I would have some relief.

But it is curious how you can believe an idea is absolutely true and correct and yet not believe it deeply enough to act on it.So I still act as though my feelings were the center of everything，and they still cause me to end up alone by the living-room window late at night.What is different now is that I have this idea: I have the idea that soon I will no longer believe that my feelings are the center of everything.This is a comfort to me，because if you despair of going on，but at the same time tell yourself that what you feel may not be very important，then either you may no longer despair of going on，or you may still despair of going on but not quite believe it anymore.

我们的善良

我们拥有颇为善待世界上的每个人的理想。但在另一方面，我们又颇不善待我们自己的丈夫——那个近在咫尺，对于我们最亲密的人。但在另一方面，我们又认为他在阻止我们善待世界上别的每个人。我们认为，因为他不想要我们认识其他那些人！他宁愿让我们待在我们自己的房子里。他说车旧了。我们知道他真的宁愿让我们就像他那样，仅仅熟悉世界上的一小部分人。但他所说的话就是车不会把我们载到很远的地方。我们知道他宁愿让我们照看我们自己的房子和我们自己的家庭。我们的房子不干净，不完全干净。我们的家庭不完全干净。我们认为车会相当出色地为我们服务。但他认为我们可能想要出去，想要善待其他人，只是因为我们宁愿不在家里，因为我们宁愿不必去尝试仅仅善待这三个人，世界上所有的人当中对于我们最棘手的三个人，尽管我们可以轻而易举地善待那么多其他人，诸如那些我们在商店遇到的人——我们去那里，是因为他说我们的车可以把我们安全地载到那里。

OUR KINDNESS

We have ideals of being very kind to everyone in the world.But then we are very unkind to our own husband，the person who is closest at hand to us.But then we think he is preventing us from being kind to everyone else in the world.Because he does not want us to know those other people，we think! He would prefer us to stay here in our own house.He says the car is old.We know that really he would prefer us to be acquainted with only a small number of people in the world，as he is.But what he says is that the car would not take us very far.We know he would prefer us to look after our own house and our own family.Our house is not clean，not completely clean.Our family is not completely clean.We think the car would serve us well enough.But he thinks we may want to go out and be kind to other people only because we would prefer not to be at home，because we would prefer not to have to try to be kind only to these three people，of all the people in the world the hardest three for us，though we can easily be kind to so many other people，such as those we meet at the stores，where we go because there our car，he says，may safely take us.