What Makes a Good Life 幸福的生活哪里来

Robert+Waldinger++译+刘偲熙

What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life？ If you were going to invest now in your future best self， where would you put your time and your energy？ There was a recent survey of millennials1） asking them what their most important life goals were， and over 80 percent said that a major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50 percent of those same young adults said that another major life goal was to become famous.

And were constantly told to lean in to work， to push harder and achieve more. Were given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives， of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them， those pictures are almost impossible to get. But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time？ What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy？

We did that. The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life thats ever been done. For 75 years， weve tracked the lives of 724 men， year after year， asking about their work， their home lives， their health， and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.

Since 1938， weve tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They all finished college during World War II， and then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that weve followed was a group of boys from Bostons poorest neighborhoods， boys who were chosen for the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements2）， many without hot and cold running water.

When they entered the study， all of these teenagers were interviewed. They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors， one President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top， and some made that journey in the opposite direction.

Every two years， our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asks them if we can send them yet one more set of questions about their lives. Many of the inner city3） Boston men ask us， “Why do you keep wanting to study me？ My life just isnt that interesting.” The Harvard men never ask that question.

To get the clearest picture of these lives， we dont just send them questionnaires. We interview them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood， we scan their brains， we talk to their children. We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when， about a decade ago， we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of the study， many of the women said， “You know， its about time.”

So what have we learned？ What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages of information that weve generated on these lives？ Well， the lessons arent about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this： Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

Weve learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections are really good for us， and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family， to friends， to community， are happier， theyre physically healthier， and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy， their health declines earlier in midlife， their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time， more than one in five Americans will report that theyre lonely.

And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage， so the second big lesson that we learned is that its not just the number of friends you have， and its not whether or not youre in a committed relationship， but its the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages， for example， without much affection， turn out to be very bad for our health， perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good， warm relationships is protective.

Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s， we wanted to look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was going to grow into a happy， healthy octogenarian4） and who wasnt. And when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50， it wasnt their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good， close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows5） of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported， in their 80s， that on the days when they had more physical pain， their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships， on the days when they reported more physical pain， it was magnified by more emotional pain.

And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships dont just protect our bodies， they protect our brains. It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective， that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need， those peoples memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really cant count on the other one， those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships， they dont have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker6） with each other day in and day out， but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough， those arguments didnt take a toll7） on their memories.

So this message， that good， close relationships are good for our health and well-being， this is wisdom thats as old as the hills8）. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore？ Well， were human. What wed really like is a quick fix， something we can get thatll make our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and theyre complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends， its not sexy or glamorous. Its also lifelong. It never ends. Just like the millennials in that recent survey， many of our men when they were starting out as young adults really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over， over these 75 years， our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships， with family， with friends， with community.

So what about you？ Lets say youre 25， or youre 40， or youre 60. What might leaning in to relationships even look like？

Well， the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together， long walks or date nights， or reaching out to that family member who you havent spoken to in years， because those all-too-common family feuds9） take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges10）.

Id like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago， he was looking back on his life， and he wrote this： “There isnt time， so brief is life， for bickerings， apologies， heartburnings， callings to account. There is only time for loving， and but an instant， so to speak， for that.”

The good life is built with good relationships.

在我们的生命历程中，是什么使我们保持健康、快乐呢？如果你现在要为未来投资，成为最好的自己，你会把时间和精力放在哪儿呢？最近有一项对千禧一代的调查，询问他们最重要的人生目标是什么，超过80%的人说他们的一个主要人生目标是变得富有。此外，这群年轻人中50%的人表示，他们的另一个重要人生目标是享有名望。

经常有人告诉我们要积极进取、辛勤工作，更加努力，取得更大的成就。于是我们就会有种印象，觉得这些是我们为拥有幸福生活所必须追求的东西。我们几乎不可能了解人一生的全貌、人们所做的选择以及这些选择对他们的影响。但是，如果我们可以观察到人们随着时间推移展现出来的整个人生呢？如果我们可以对人从青少年开始观察，一直到他们进入老年，看到底是什么使人保持快乐和健康呢？

我们就是这么做的。哈佛大学的成人发展研究可能是迄今为止时间跨度最长的成人生活研究项目。在75年的时间里，我们跟踪了724名男性的生活，每年对其工作、家庭生活、健康状况进行询问。当然，我们在询问时始终不知道他们的人生故事将有怎样的结果。

自1938年起，我们跟踪了两组男性的生活。第一组在研究开始时是哈佛大学二年级的学生。他们都在二战期间完成了大学学业，随后大多在战争中服役。而我们跟踪的第二组则是波士顿最贫穷街区里的一群男孩。之所以选中这些男孩参与研究，主要因为在20世纪30年代的波士顿，他们所在的家庭是问题最多、条件最差的。……