触不到的伊万

译◎zy 绘◎马豆子

触不到的伊万

译◎zy 绘◎马豆子

When I turned seventeen， I died. Or at least， everyone thought that I did.

The doctors said that I was brain dead. Life support was the only thing keeping me alive. All I was， was a lifeless body connected to monitors. Everyone thought that I was gone except I wasn't. I was screaming， shouting for someone to hear me， but they never do.

The car accident that changed my life forever happened three years ago. I was on my way to school. My music blasted in my car. It was my seventeenth birthday， and the day was supposed to go my way. The instant before the car hit me was the last time I was me.

When I first saw Evan， he was dressed in scrubs. I originally①originally 英 ［ə'rɪdʒɪn（ə）lɪ］ 美 ［ə'rɪdʒənəli］ adv. 最初，起初；本来thought that he was just going to take my vitals and then go and take care of all of the other patients， but he didn't.

From my invisible②invisible 英 ［ɪn'vɪzɪb（ə）l］ 美 ［ɪn'vɪzəbl］ adj. 无形的，看不见的；无形的；不显眼的，暗藏的throne， I watched he pull out a book from his leather bag.

"I don't know what books you like， so... I feel ridiculous③ridiculous 英 ［rɪ'dɪkjʊləs］ 美 ［rɪ'dɪkjələs］ adj. 可笑的；荒谬的，" he muttered④mutter 英 ［'mʌtə］ 美 ［'mʌtɚ］ vi. 咕哝；喃喃自语 vt.咕哝；抱怨地说；低声含糊地说 n. 咕哝；喃喃低语and shuffled⑤shuffl e 英 ［'ʃʌf（ə）l］ 美 ［'ʃʌfl ］ v. 洗牌；推诿，推卸；拖曳，慢吞吞地走；搅乱 n. 洗牌，洗纸牌；混乱，蒙混；拖着脚走though his bag. I was starting to think that he was avoiding looking at me. "I'm Evan by the way."

"I'm just going to start reading to you." He opened the book. "I brought Harry Potter and the Sorcerer⑥sorcerer 英 ［'sɔːs（ə）rə］美 ［'sɔrsərɚ］ n. 魔术师；男巫士's Stone. I figured that most people like the series， so you might. But if you don't， sorry." He paused and looked at me， his eyes were full of regret. I realized he wasn't apologizing for the book， he was apologizing for what happened to me. What he did to me. I knew he looked familiar. Evan was the one who caused the accident. I remembered seeing his face right before he hit my car，

Now， he had to live with the guilt for doing this to me. I know that I shouldn't feel bad for him and I wanted to hate him because he could go out in the world and have a life and that I couldn't. But the way he looked at me， I could tell that he would trade spots with me if he could.

I think it was in that moment that I fell in love with him. A man who will never meet me. I would never get to tell Evan that I forgive him.

Every Wednesday at three for the last two years he came to read to me. I stared at the clock， willing it to go faster. Evan strode⑦strode 英 ［strəʊd］ 美 ［strod］ v. 大步走（stride的过去式）；跨越into my room with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in hand. His blond hair fell just below his brow and covered his hazel⑧hazel 英 ［'heɪz（ə）l］ 美 ［'hezl］ n. 淡褐色；榛子adj. 淡褐色的；榛树的eyes. I have dreamed countless times about running my fingers through his hair. My fingers that don't exist.

I found my soul mate. He didn't.

To Evan， I was the girl who changed his life forever. It broke my heart， because I loved him and he would never know. He would never hear my voice or see me smile like I do every time he's around. He would never know that I cry when he leaves， like he is doing right now. I watched him slowly stand up and glance back at me. He had the same expression on his face on the first day he read to me.

I called out to him to stay. "Evan， wait- "

He didn't.

I never saw him again.

Saturday， November 12th， my nineteenth birthday， was the day I died.

我死于17岁，或者说，别人都这么觉得。

医生说我已经脑死亡。只有生物体征表明我还活着，我成了靠一台机器维持生命的躯壳。他们都觉得我已经死了，但是我没有，我试过尖叫，狂喊，但从没有人回应。

三年前的那起车祸改变了我的生活。那时我正在上学路上，我把车上的音乐开得很大声。这是我17岁生日。那辆车撞过来的时候，我最后一次是我自己。

我第一次看见伊万的时候他穿着护工服，我还以为他过来照看一下就会去别的病人那儿，但他没有。

我看着他从包里翻出一本书。

“我不知道你喜欢什么书……我真是蠢透了……”他喃喃自语，捣腾着自己的袋子。我觉得他不想看我。“我叫伊万。”

“我要开始读了，”他打开了一本书，“我带了《哈利·波特和魔法石》，很多人都喜欢看这个系列，我觉得你可能会喜欢。如果你不喜欢，对不起。”他停了下来，望着我。他的眼睛里充满了悔恨。我意识到他并不是为了书而抱歉，而是为了我。为了他对我做的一切。他看起来很面熟。他就是造成事故的人。两车相撞的时候，我看见了他的脸。

现在他所做的一切都是出于悔恨和罪恶。我知道我不该为他难过，我想要恨他，他还好端端地生活在外面的世界，而我身陷于此。但是看见他看着我的样子，我知道他宁愿躺在这里的是他而不是我。

我想我在那一瞬间爱上了他。一个永远见不到的人。我永远都不能告诉他，我已经原谅了他。

接下来的两年，每周三他都会过来给我读书。我盯着表，想让周三快点来。他带着《哈利·波特与死亡圣器》，金发垂过眼眉，挡住了榛色的眼睛。我渴望过无数次，可以用手指帮他撩起头发，但我没有手指。

我觉得我找到了我的灵魂伴侣，但他没有。

对伊万来说，我是改变他一生的女孩。这让人心痛，因为我爱他，而他永远不会知道。听不见我的声音，看不到我的笑脸。他不知道他每次离开我都会哭泣，就像现在一样。他脸上的表情从没改变过，就像他第一次给我读书一样。

我叫他：“伊万，不要走……”

他没有回头。

我没有再见到他。这个周六，11月12日，我19岁生日那天，我走了。