一位跨性别者的自白

I am an AFAB （assigned female at birth） transman. I use male pronouns. I knew I was male at 3. I came out as transgender to myself when I was 13， to my parents at 14， and to my extended family at 18. I began taking testosterone at 17， and legally changed my name at 18. A surprising number of people think that the trans process is short and simple. Many trans people， myself included， are asked if weve had “the operation” （a rude question，） as if thats the only thing involved in being trans. Its interesting， because my personal transition has involved years of self-discovery， revelations， hardships， medications， doctors， psychologists， endocrinologists， gender specialists...and it will eventually involve not one operation， but roughly six surgeries over the course of many years！

Gender Reassignment Surgery is an unattainable luxury for many. When I was 21， I was on the waiting list to have my top surgery （a double mastectomy and chest reconstruction） done through my insurance. Unfortunately， I had to move out of state and lost that insurance. Few insurance providers in Nevada cover transgender care. I do not have the $10，000 for that procedure. For all of the surgical care I require， it would cost over $150，000 out of pocket， or the equivalent of buying two houses in my town.

I never dressed “like a girl.” Shopping was an ordeal for both my mother and I. From a young age， I insisted on shopping in the boys section. I got a lot of disapproving looks from adults in the store， but I never let anybody tell me how I was supposed to feel. I shaved my head when I was 8. That was the last time my mother ever let my sister take me for a haircut. Since I hacked off most of my own hair when I was 4， Im sure it could not have been much of a surprise.

In third grade， right after my head shaving experience， a parent volunteer at my school followed me into a restroom and dragged me out， yelling at me in front of the entire playground for using the “wrong”restroom. I simply used the girls room， as I had always been instructed. As a painfully shy child， being laughed at by all the students at my school was beyond mortifying. It was bad enough that every single day of elementary school， another student would approach me as I sat alone on a bench and ask， “Are you a boy or a girl？” It happened without fail.

In seventh grade， my gym class had a substitute one day， and we happened to be excused from the track late. We all ran back to the locker rooms to avoid being late for the next class. As I tried to enter， the substitute grabbed my arm， her nails dug into the skin and scratched me painfully， and pulled me out， yelling at me for trying to enter the girls locker room. I went to my next class with blood on my arm because I had done what I had always been told to do.

In high school， my vice principal agreed to let me change in the bathroom in the office building instead of the locker room after a girl complained to me that she was uncomfortable in the same locker room as me.

I began binding my chest when I was 13， ten years ago. Its painful， it makes it hard to breath， I get faint and dizzy and nauseous， and the idea that people would be able to notice my chest size anyway causes me such bad anxiety that I take medication for it. But I cannot leave my house without my binder on， even though it digs into my skin and bruises me， and has almost caused me to pass out at work more than once. This is because I have a fear that if someone notices that Im trans， theyll either refer to me as a female， or hurt me. That is not even an irrational fear. People like me are beaten， raped， burned， stoned， drowned， cut， shot， and murdered at a rate that would make any reasonable person terrified.

As a trans person， Ive had nasty things said to me， things thrown at me， Ive been shot with a pellet gun from a moving car， someone tried to hit me with a car my sophomore year， and Ive been laughed at， pointed at， stared at， mocked， and humiliated all my life. I have been called tranny， dyke， he-she， and it， all to my face. In online discussions， people have offered to “teach me how to be a woman” （which essentially means they offered to rape me until I agreed I was female）， told me that I would never“be a man” because of my chromosomes （Ive never had a chromosome test， so even I dont know what my chromosomes actually are）， and told that Im just doing this for male privilege （as if I knew what that was when I was 3）.

Transition is not a one-time thing. For some people， it takes years， and for some， it never ends. I have been in transition for more than a decade， and it will probably take another decade to get where I want to be.

I do not regret deciding to transition. I had suicidal thoughts at the age of 7. Nobody needs that much misery in their life. Since Ive begun transitioning， I feel free， happy， and complete for the first time in my life.

我是一名跨性別者，出生时为女性。我使用男性人称代词。我三岁的时候就意识到我在心理上是男性。在13岁时，我在心理上认同了自己的跨性别者身份，14岁时对父母坦白，而家里其他亲戚则在我18岁时才知道这件事。我17岁时开始服用睾丸激素，18岁时更改了我的法定名字。认为易性过程很短很简单的人数量多得惊人。包括我自己在内的很多跨性别者都被问及我们有没有进行“手术”（真是无礼的问题），仿佛易性就只涉及这么一件事。有趣的是，我个人的易性过程牵涉多年的自我发现、自我揭露、重重困难、药物治疗、医生、心理医生、内分泌学家、性别专家……而且易性的过程将经历不止一场手术，而是历时多年的六次手术！

变性手术对很多人来说是高不可攀的奢侈消费。21岁那年，我在申请者的队列中等候一笔保险金的发放，用于支付乳房切除手术（双乳房切除手术和胸壁重建）的费用。不幸的是，我因必须迁居到别的州而失去了这项保险。内华达州的保险公司鲜有覆盖跨性别者医疗项目的险种。我支付不起进行乳房切除手术的1万美元费用。我所需要进行的全部外科手术加起来会花光15万美元，这笔钱在我那个镇上能买两所房子。

我从来都不会穿得“像个女孩”。购物对于我和我妈都是折磨。从小时候起，我就坚持在男孩用品区购物。店里的大人们常常对我的打扮露出不赞同的神色，但我从不让别人来告诉我该作何感受。我8岁的时候剃了个光头。